If you were craving pizza last night, whether it was Downstein or Palladium, chances are you had to use real money to satisfy your cravings last night. Lines for the pizza stations across campus were out the door and the average wait time for a custom pizza was 69 minutes. This is because NYU dining services CampusDish offered a deal that was too hard to pass by. Campus Dish director Raymond DeCesare issued a public statement this morning to bring attention to the success of the one-day special:
“Yesterday, CampusDish at NYU sold over 10,000 custom made pizza pies to its students in celebration of Valentine’s Day. These pies were not just any ordinary pie, and they were certainly not those cheesy (literally) heart-shaped pies that couples buy for each other. No, we sat down and re-invented the pie by deciding to cut a decently sized hole in the middle for male partners to put their ‘junk’ through. Because NYU is pretty much 50% gay, we thought Valentine’s Day would be the perfect day to release this.”
Even us NYU Veggies were on-line yesterday, not for the pizza, but to ask people what they thought about the pizza venture. Lady GaGa was blasting through the glitter-filled air and we’re pretty sure we saw zero Sternies. The line was not all homosexual, indeed, there were a handful of straight women on-line, probably because their gay friend dragged them to it. For women, a special pizza with two holes was offered, however it did not gain traction because it was one size fits all, and that’s just not true.
We spoke with Jason Jeffries, a closeted (most likely) Tisch freshman, who claimed that he was on-line “because the pizza is good, not for any other reason. Nope.” Immediately after we spoke to Jason, “Bad Romance” came on and a grind train formed behind him, eventually sucking him in against his will (he liked it). Steinhardt sophomore Peter Smithfield thought that the pizza with a hole is “NYU’s way of showing us that they are listening.” On a completely unrelated note, he said that “Adam Lambert should stop singing for Queen.”
The pizza came with a matching pizza box hole, which NYU Dining Director DeCesare says was “inspired by Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake’s famous holiday song about a box and a hole and a man…and his junk.” Dylan West, Tisch junior, told us that the box hole “wasn’t smooth, so that when my boyfriend opened the box, it cut my **ck, and I couldn’t tell what was blood and what was tomato sauce.” The box also came with two purple NYU branded condoms.
DeCesare, when asked about the success rate of the pizza pie getting students laid, said that “98% of students got laid after presenting the pizza to their partner. 2% suffered second-degree burns to their ‘areas’ and were unable to finish the job.” In a closing statement, DeCesare noted that the “pizza pies were NYU equivalent’s of those heart candies, which no one eats, but still gets people laid.”