February 17, 2012
BREAKING: Sexton Castle to replace Coles gym as early as 2015.

After being swarmed with e-mails he didn’t read, NYU President John Sexton announced, this afternoon,  his true intentions for demolishing the Jerome S. Coles Sports and Recreation Center. In a two sentence letter (copy below), Sexton outlined his future plans for the gym:

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 

To All the Haters,

It is with great happiness and joy that I announce the construction of the John Sexton Castle on the site that is currently occupied by the Coles Sports and Recreation Center. Please consult www.sextoncastle.com for details of this new construction project.

Sincerely,

John Sexton J.D., M.D., CPA, MBA, Ph.D HDTV

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Students and faculty’s concerns go beyond the loss of a perfectly fine functioning gym and are more worried about the funds necessary to build the Sexton Castle. According to the official castle website, funds will be secured “not just through oil money from Abu Dhabi moguls, but also from the tuition bills of the Class of 2016 and 2017.” The website estimates that upon completion the project will have cost anywhere from $1-2 billion, and that cost overrun would probably be 100%. We spoke with NYU economics professor Mark Lieberstein who said that “At this cost, the NYU endowment would be emptied out and the university would have to start taking out loans like the rest of the student body.” With the enormous costs surrounding the project, NYU students have become increasingly puzzled about the purpose of the Sexton Castle.

“Would I have access to it?” asked entitled Tisch sophomore Hannah Stone. According to the “Mission Statement” page on the website, no Hannah, you will not have access to the castle, and  neither would any other student or faculty member. The Sexton Castle is “reserved exclusively for the President and his private guests.” As a matter of security, NYU will enforce the same guest sign-in policy used at residence halls for the Sexton Castle. Indeed, like the residence halls, one lucky (possibly un-lucky) student will get to be the official RA of the castle and will have the final word when it comes to rowdy and drunk former Prime Ministers stumbling around the castle. 

As a part of its green and sustainable mission, the Sexton Castle will include a gondola that stretches from the roof of the castle to the roof of Bobst, so that the President may have easy access between his castle and office. The gondola will be powered by alternative energy, namely Tisch students running on a treadmill (tempted by a financial aid package dangling in the air), which in turn spins a generator. 

The castle itself will include a “shit ton of square footage, over 365 rooms, every painting ever by Claude Monet, a helipad, a fountain of youth, and a war room.” Apparently, the war room will feature a miniature model of Manhattan so that John Sexton may continue his plans for domination of the entire island. In the closing statement of the website, it says that the Sexton Castle apparently has “nothing to do” with NYU’s 2031 expansion and is merely a “pet project” of the President. 

(Photo credit (both): Padriac Ryan)

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February 16, 2012
Coles gym personally sad about demolition; Always knew he didn’t “fit in” with other campus buildings

Yesterday, NYULocal reported that a number of NYU faculty members e-mailed President John Sexton (and other members of the administration) to voice their concerns over his plans to demolish the often-ignored Jerome S. Coles Sports and Recreation Center as early as next year (2013 for those of you who have no idea). Because John Sexton never reads his e-mails (he’s cool with faxes, but he prefers snail mail), their demands will be pretty much unheard and quickly forgotten about. 

This afternoon, NYU Law student Christina McCoy heard a “low, deep wailing noise coming from inside the Coles gym.” Soon after the noise was heard, “the roof started leaking” and that’s when Christina realized that “the gym was literally crying about John Sexton’s plans to demolish the facility.” She said it was “some straight-up Harry Potter shit.” Intrigued, we sent our top NYU VEG investigators to Coles to speak to the gym itself and get its account on the demolition plans. Our team figured it was probably best to go to the locker room to speak to Coles, who told our team that they should go to the locker room to speak to him. After demanding them to wear “just a towel”, Coles opened up and gave us his thoughts on the issue. 

But, before we jump into the interview, you may or may not be wondering who Jerome S. Coles was to begin with. From what we could gather, Jerome S. Coles was the kind of guy you name a building after, you know, he was probably smart, had lots of money, wasn’t particularly attractive, and probably devoted his life to one sport he couldn’t play very well…you know, Jerome Coles.

Coles told us that “I knew I never fit in from the day I was constructed in 1981. All the residents of the Village hated me, they even tried to give me AIDS, but to no avail.” The towers of Washington Square Village were extremely helpful to Coles who said that “they had been through the same thing with the Village residents and offered me lots of good advice like start to corrode and decay if you feel ignored, which worked up to a certain point.” 

Many buildings around campus are not as sentimental as Coles, and actually feel that Sexton’s change is warranted. The Kimmel Center at NYU, one of the newer and more pretentious buildings, told us that “it’s probably about time for Coles to fuck off.” He continued, “I mean let’s be honest, when I see WSQ Village, I feel like I’m in Stockholm in 1974.” The melodramatic Bobst Library told Coles to “jump off a balcony” and to call him “if he needs help with that.”

Coles continued, “I was never ‘cool enough’ anyway. For example, I’m on Houston, but I’m not South of Houston. I’ve just been in this weird void between SoHo and the West Village for my entire life. I missed the whole Village thing in the 80’s and I just missed the SoHo craze. Fuck those buildings across Houston Street.” Coles says that his feelings of helplessness exist inside too, “I’m a mess outside AND inside. I feel like I was designed by a firm that just started making the switch-over from prison athletic facilities to civilian ones.” 

Although Coles may feel lost and confused, there is at least one other building at NYU that will always remember Coles for what he stood for (literally). Palladium, who was once a hot 80’s nightclub, said that he would “miss my older brother” and would personally cause a leak in his pool as an homage to Coles. 

RIP Jerome S. Coles Sports and Recreation Center 1981-2012

(NYULocal article here:  http://tinyurl.com/7oo7eoo)

(Photo credit: Padriac Ryan)

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February 15, 2012
NYU Dining hits Valentine’s Day gold; Offers pizza pie with “decently sized hole in the middle”

If you were craving pizza last night, whether it was Downstein or Palladium, chances are you had to use real money to satisfy your cravings last night. Lines for the pizza stations across campus were out the door and the average wait time for a custom pizza was 69 minutes. This is because NYU dining services CampusDish offered a deal that was too hard to pass by. Campus Dish director Raymond DeCesare issued a public statement this morning to bring attention to the success of the one-day special:

“Yesterday, CampusDish at NYU sold over 10,000 custom made pizza pies to its students in celebration of Valentine’s Day. These pies were not just any ordinary pie, and they were certainly not those cheesy (literally) heart-shaped pies that couples buy for each other. No, we sat down and re-invented the pie by deciding to cut a decently sized hole in the middle for male partners to put their ‘junk’ through. Because NYU is pretty much 50% gay, we thought Valentine’s Day would be the perfect day to release this.”

Even us NYU Veggies were on-line yesterday, not for the pizza, but to ask people what they thought about the pizza venture. Lady GaGa was blasting through the glitter-filled air and we’re pretty sure we saw zero Sternies. The line was not all homosexual, indeed, there were a handful of straight women on-line, probably because their gay friend dragged them to it. For women, a special pizza with two holes was offered, however it did not gain traction because it was one size fits all, and that’s just not true. 

We spoke with Jason Jeffries, a closeted (most likely) Tisch freshman, who claimed that he was on-line “because the pizza is good, not for any other reason. Nope.” Immediately after we spoke to Jason, “Bad Romance” came on and a grind train formed behind him, eventually sucking him in against his will  (he liked it). Steinhardt sophomore Peter Smithfield thought that the pizza with a hole is “NYU’s way of showing us that they are listening.” On a completely unrelated note, he said that “Adam Lambert should stop singing for Queen.” 

The pizza came with a matching pizza box hole, which NYU Dining Director DeCesare says was “inspired by Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake’s famous holiday song about a box and a hole and a man…and his junk.” Dylan West, Tisch junior, told us that the box hole “wasn’t smooth, so that when my boyfriend opened the box, it cut my **ck, and I couldn’t tell what was blood and what was tomato sauce.” The box also came with two purple NYU branded condoms. 

DeCesare, when asked about the success rate of the pizza pie getting students laid, said that “98% of students got laid after presenting the pizza to their partner. 2% suffered second-degree burns to their ‘areas’ and were unable to finish the job.” In a closing statement, DeCesare noted that the “pizza pies were NYU equivalent’s of those heart candies, which no one eats, but still gets people laid.” 

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February 10, 2012
NYU announces bid to host 2020 Summer Olympics; Romney offers to organize

This morning, Vice President of Public Affairs, John Beckman announced that NYU has officially submitted a last-minute bid to the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to host the 2020 Summer Olympic Games. Beckman said that John Sexton had been involved in numerous conference calls with himself and that the President debated both sides of the idea, however he admitted to being biased for it. “The President has continued to make unprecedented, un-discussed, and trail-blazing decisions in the field of higher education. Today marks a milestone in the history of the university as NYU becomes the only university in the world to ever submit a bid to host the Olympics” said Beckman.

At the press conference, Jeff Green, Washington Square News’ last remaining reporter, asked about the goals and motivations of this bid, which were completely skipped over and omitted. Beckman hesitated, and then began laughing and explaining that “the only goals of these NYU Olympics will be those conceded by the U.S. men’s national soccer team.” U.S. soccer team captain Landon Donovan, who was in attendance at the press conference, walked out and called Beckman a “red-coat, loyalist traitor akin to Benedict Arnold.” When asked about the goals of the bid again, Beckman hoped that “maybe we could pay for NYU 2031 with revenue from the Olympics?” He quickly retracted that statement and said that “honestly I have no idea what’s going on.” 

NYU 2031 is the university’s plan to spend $6 billion on a 40% expansion of NYU by 2031, the bicentennial of the school. However, local economist Homeless Ed says that the Olympics will probably cost “A shit ton o’ money”, but he would be excited to see all the international basketball teams play, especially “those tall ass Serbian brotha’s”. He went on to note that “although the idea is exciting, where the fuck are they going to build the stadium?” 

Beckman says that the University has plans to demolish Washington Square Park to make room for the NYU Olympic stadium and village, and that the Arch will remain to serve as the entrance to the stadium village. “Albert Gallatin would be so proud” said Beckman, with a single tear flowing down his cheek. The removal of the fountain is likely to permanently displace those pseudo-homeless break-dancers that use the space as a modern day dancing Coliseum. 

The Bobst Library is also set to host all of the aquatic events and will be temporarily transformed into a natatarium. The 1st floor of Bobst will be gutted and turned into a pool and Beckman noted that the upper levels of the atrium are “perfect to jump off of.” President Sexton is particularly excited for the pool in Bobst as it would allow him to simply take the elevator from his 12th floor office to the pool, or he could simply jump in from the 2nd floor. Beckman noted that Sexton’s favorite dive was the “belly-flop.” When asked why the Olympic-sized Coles pool wouldn’t be used Beckman responded that it “hasn’t been cleaned since 1984” and that you could “probably catch gonorrhea” from swimming in it. 

Perhaps though, the biggest roadblock in NYU’s road to the Olympic Games is not the utter lack of planning or decision-making by the administration, but the failure of NYU to submit its bid to the United States Olympic Committee first, and then move onto the IOCC after approval. Beckman countered, in a Tisch-esque self-entitled tone, that “We are a global network university located on planet Earth, so we felt no obligation to abide by the rules set forth by the United States Olympic Committee.” Former Olympic organizing expert Mitt Romney says that “NYU’s bid is illegal”, but that if the university pays him “a few million” he’d save us like he saved the 2002 Salt Lake City Games. NYU declined the offer. 

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February 8, 2012
BREAKING: NYU Freshman leaves Greenwich Village; discovers “Brooklyn” and massive centrally located park

Rachel Shelton, Gallatin freshman, describes her experience as “breathtaking” and “eye-opening”. Shelton, a self-described early bird, woke up at 11am this morning and got on a C Train “just for the hell of it.” When asked how she got onto the train platform, she said she “paid a homeless man $10 to swipe me through the turnstile.” Rachel says she got onto a Brooklyn-bound train and got off in Crown Heights at the Franklin Avenue stop. 

Upon arriving in Crown Heights, she was “shocked” at the amount of (she wouldn’t say it straight up) Black and Hispanics that permeated the area. Immediately off Fulton Street she identified a group of “wizard-like men”, who directed her to go back into Manhattan and never come back. We caught up with these wizards, who were actually just Hasidic Jews, who told us that Rachel was a “moron” and “probably from Ohio”. 

But Rachel wouldn’t be discouraged by a group of well-meaning, infinitely more intelligent strangers; she decided to dig deeper into Brooklyn. “I felt obliged to continue my cultural journey, so I walked into this barber shop to speak to get some local flavor” It was here that Shelton got her first taste of “real” New York when she was asked to leave by a “nice man pointing a 9mm” to her face. DMX declined to be interviewed. 

Feeling a bit “parched”, Rachel decided to step into a “quaint little store with metal bars on the windows”. There, Shelton claims, she purchased an “ethnic drink” aka Malta (Goya brand of course) and proceeded to projectile vomit all over the counter and the small Hispanic man at the cash register. To find out why her stomach is such a pussy, we consulted an NYU Dentistry student who claimed that he was not qualified to give us a “truthful scientific answer”, but he offered one anyway. In exchange for his answer, he requested we receive his “oral exam,” so we left the Stonewall Inn immediately. Thankfully, equally un-qualified proctologist Dr. Ron DeVous e-mailed us and explained that “Rachel’s stomach was probably so used to gluten-free chai and low-carb water that her stomach violently rejected the official beverage of Mexico.” 

Completely embarrassed and covered in dog feces (unrelated), Rachel decided she had enough of Brooklyn and hopped back on a Manhattan-bound A train to Columbus Circle. Witnesses on the train reported that Rachel smelled so foul that “even the homeless people got on another train.” Shelton responded that it was “about time” that she had her own train car while refusing to admit that she’s an over-entitled bitch. Immediately as she got out of the station, she ran into ridiculously good-looking Anderson Cooper, and smeared his custom-tailored Brooks Brothers blazer with dog feces. The Silver Fox, revolting with disgust, proceeded to vomit his partially digested venti Starbucks frappuccino all over Rachel. We spoke to Anderson on-air during his eponymous news show and he described her as a “Mary-Kate Olsen wannabe” with “the fashion sense of Speaker of the House John Boehner.” In response, Shelton said that Cooper was “most likely gay”. 

Ultimately, it was in Central Park that Rachel pushed her luck to the limit. After jumping in the lake “for good luck” because “that’s what tourists do”, Shelton proceeded to steal a street musicians money can, which prompted a chase by an NYPD officer on horseback. Police Officer Jim McFinn told us that “she tripped over herself, and began to denounce the military-industrial complex as I handcuffed her.” Which brings us to where we spoke to Rachel, at the NYPD Central Park precinct. She admits that she would “do it all over again in a heartbeat” and blames John Sexton for her legal troubles: “I was trying to become ‘In and of the City’ by stealing the street musician’s money.” In a memo to VP of Student Affairs John Beckman, J.Sex advised Rachel to get “in and out of the city as fast as possible.” 

(image credit: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Gryffindor)

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(Notes: 2)
  
February 7, 2012
NYU announces plans to buy Columbia University; CU students reluctant to accept hipster status

In an attempt to purchase all of Manhattan become more “In and of the City” than ever before, President John Sexton has announced NYU’s intentions to purchase all of the “land, buildings, students, and faculty (and ideas) of Columbia University in the City of New York.” This announcement comes a week after an accounting error by Columbia’s financial staff, which had misinterpreted their endowment funds as $7.8 billion instead of $7.8 million. Columbia U. President Lee Bollinger also officially announced his resignation via twitter tonight:

@PrezLeeBollinger: Tonight, I resign the Office of the President of Columbia University. It was a great ride, but now NYU is officially king. CU l8r. #occupyNYU

We tried to reach John Sexton for comment, and he indeed picked up his phone. All we could make out, though, was a maniacal laugh in the distance. 

The exact amount that NYU spent on Columbia University is still unknown, however leading NYU accounting professor Charles Lipsitz estimates that NYU probably spent anywhere from “$1 to $1 billion dollars” on the expansion. He neglected to mention that any money spent buying Columbia would come right back to NYU. Professor Lipsitz also estimates that NYU’s status in the U.S. World News College Ranking will dramatically increase. “NYU sits at #33, and Columbia sits at #4, so NYU would fall somewhere between those two numbers after today’s acquisition. I’d probably guess like #20-ish.” 

Another problem with numbers is the large amount of displaced Columbia students that will have to be dealt with. Highly illiterate LSP freshman Hannah Fields thinks that “they should just take all the Columbia students and make them go to the New School.” Stern junior Jia Qinglin, whose American name is Steve, broke down and cried when we told him that he was finally accepted to Columbia University. We spoke with Gallatin senior, Casey Bushwick, who was smoking in one of those covered areas at 721 Broadway, who said she “couldn’t believe the administration bought another South American country…and their national university.” 

Reports surfaced that the entire NYU administration is holding a midnight meeting at Bobst LL2 in order to discuss the future of both institutions. Mario Hernandez, a custodial engineer at Bobst, told us that while cleaning John Sexton’s office and going though his browser history (seriously, clean your history everyone) it dawned upon him that “no one in the entire fucking university knew about this except Sexton. He had one of those late-night eBay shopping sprees, but with an entire university.” 

The Office of Financial Aid was flooded with calls from Columbia students demanding that their aid packages be renewed at their new institution. Sexually (and mentally) frustrated Columbia student Jonah Wright gave up with the financial aid office when he realized that “the office doesn’t even fucking exist. I kept getting routed to the Alumni Office to be asked for donations. No NYU, I don’t want to help a starving Tisch student for just $2 a day.” 

NYU Professor of Linguistics Noam Hamasaki started to put the pieces together last spring when he received yet another brochure about NYU’s study abroad programs. “See, I looked through the list of new academic locations, and I saw NYU Sydney, and Washington DC, and then I saw ‘Morningside Heights’ and I thought to myself: ‘Oh, this can’t be real.” He added: “At least we have a football team now!”

No word yet on whether or not John Sexton will buy Fordham University in the spring. 

(image credit here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:BrOnXbOmBr21)

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(Notes: 1)
  
February 6, 2012
Hugo Boss to open storefront at Stern; will offer jobs to Steinhardt students (maybe)

German luxury fashion house Hugo Boss AG has announced plans to open a storefront at the Henry Kaufman Management Center, which is part of the Stern School of Business, by the fall 2012 semester. The plans are a result of year long discussions and meetings between NYU President John Sexton and Hugo Boss CEO Claus-Dietrich Lahrs. Commenting on the business proposal, John Sexton stated that “As President of NYU, I’ve been continually striving to put our students at the cutting edge of education and fashion. With our newly formed friendship with Hugo Boss AG, my visions have once again come to life.”

Rumors have surfaced that this partnership is a direct result of John Sexton’s anger at NYU’s #2 position, behind Parsons the New School for Design, as Most Fashionable College, according to hercampus.com (http://www.hercampus.com/her-campus-2011-college-rankings/most-fashionable-colleges). To verify, we spoke with one of his secretaries, Mary Jane Fillmore, at Bobst, who claimed that she heard “an odd crescendo of laughing, crying, more crying, and then straight out piercing screams” when John Sexton learned of the Top 10 list earlier in the year. Sexton was supposedly heard yelling out of his office window: “PARSONS ISN’T EVEN A REAL COLLEGE” 

Like every decision NYU has ever made, students have mixed feelings about this. Un-shockingly wealthy Stern senior and future oil magnate, Muhammed Al-Harbia, says that “it’s about time we have a Hugo Boss store at Stern. Those Tischies have American Apparel on Broadway…where is my HUGO?” We asked pissed off Gallatin sophomore Jake Meyers about the planned development and he exclaimed that the move was “fascist, and that it reminds me of what King Edward I did to the Scottish blacksmiths after the turn of the 14th century.” 

Although the move has been getting mixed responses, John Sexton has announced that the opening will allow for more “financial aid opportunities and relevant work experience for certain majors.” In conjunction with the NYU Wasserman Center for Career Development, Hugo Boss will offer work-study jobs to a large number of students in Steinhardt and the Silver School of Social Work desperately seeking employment. We tried to ask Steinhardt Food Studies major Jessica Kaplan about the work opportunities, but we could not reach her brain for comment.   

Finally, on the business side of things, Stern professor Luigi Gavazzi worries that the store opening will create “an excess supply of three piece suits” and “fashion-oblivious Sternies on campus.” Perhaps though, even more worrying is the idea that “this business opportunity opens the door to other (supposedly) high end fashion brands to open sites at NYU, including Armani Exchange” If Armani were to hit campus, Professor Gavazzi fears that his male Indian students wearing Armani would become as “indistinguishable” as his current Asian students are. 

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February 6, 2012
J. Sex to start charging $$$ for hugs. Students outraged

Today, the Office of the President issued a statement for public release regarding J. Sex’s recent decision to start charging money for his infamous bear hugs:

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - FEBRUARY 6 2012 - OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT

It is with utmost regret that I must inform the NYU community that I, John Sexton, will begin to charge NYU students and faculty for every hug they request starting February 14th. This decision has no relation to NYU’s continuous lack of funds and/or the recent economic downturn. The prices for all of my services are as follows:

Handshake - $2

One-armed (side) hug - $5

Friendly hug - $8

BRO, I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN AGES hug - $10

Bear hug - $20 w/momentary lift - $25

Romantic embrace aka “The Abu-Dhabi” - $50 

Leaping chest bump - $100

NYU Global Network hug package (your choice of any three hugs at any NYU academic location) - $500

For added convenience, students will be able to pay with Dining Dollars and Campus Cash. I will carry a magnetic card reader with me at all times to simplify this process.  

Yours truly,

J. Sex

———————————————————————————————————————-

We spoke with economics professor Marc Lieberman who noted that “J. Sex’s hugging monopoly leaves students with no other hugging alternatives.” He went on to point out that “NYU students could hug each other, but that would involve them having to introduce themselves.” Without other supplements, students will be forced to “pay a premium” for the President’s warm embrace. 

A CAS sophomore, who wishes to be unnamed, told us that “I would pay any price to hug John Sexton. I saw him at Bobst once, and I threw myself at him, but I was fended off by security guards. I still have the napkin he dropped.” On the other side of the spectrum, raged Gallatin junior (major undecided, no seriously, his major is called undecided) Mark Wallberg, says that “I hugged him once, and honestly it’s not even that great. He fucking patted my back, like, no asshole, I wanted a squeeze.” The Office of the President did not answer our calls. The Office of the President of the United States did not either. 

Although it seems that students’ hopes of hugging the President for free are gone, some students have decided to look beyond the monetary limitations. Perhaps, students could reach out to NYU Executive Vice President Michael Alfano, who, although is not John Sexton, kinda sort of looks like him. According to the NYU website (http://www.nyu.edu/about/leadership-university-administration/office-of-the-president/office-of-the-executivevicepresident/bios/michael-alfano.html), he “oversees the University’s budget and finance operations, the human relations division, and the real estate, planning and construction operations.”

Human relations? Last time we checked, (and we haven’t)  hugging was a vital part of inter-human relations…

Look out Michael Alfano. Look out.]

(both images: Credit © NYU Photo Bureau)

(credit to nyulocal for coining “J.Sex”)

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(Notes: 1)
  
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