After being swarmed with e-mails he didn’t read, NYU President John Sexton announced, this afternoon, his true intentions for demolishing the Jerome S. Coles Sports and Recreation Center. In a two sentence letter (copy below), Sexton outlined his future plans for the gym:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
To All the Haters,
It is with great happiness and joy that I announce the construction of the John Sexton Castle on the site that is currently occupied by the Coles Sports and Recreation Center. Please consult www.sextoncastle.com for details of this new construction project.
John Sexton J.D., M.D., CPA, MBA, Ph.D HDTV
Students and faculty’s concerns go beyond the loss of a perfectly fine functioning gym and are more worried about the funds necessary to build the Sexton Castle. According to the official castle website, funds will be secured “not just through oil money from Abu Dhabi moguls, but also from the tuition bills of the Class of 2016 and 2017.” The website estimates that upon completion the project will have cost anywhere from $1-2 billion, and that cost overrun would probably be 100%. We spoke with NYU economics professor Mark Lieberstein who said that “At this cost, the NYU endowment would be emptied out and the university would have to start taking out loans like the rest of the student body.” With the enormous costs surrounding the project, NYU students have become increasingly puzzled about the purpose of the Sexton Castle.
“Would I have access to it?” asked entitled Tisch sophomore Hannah Stone. According to the “Mission Statement” page on the website, no Hannah, you will not have access to the castle, and neither would any other student or faculty member. The Sexton Castle is “reserved exclusively for the President and his private guests.” As a matter of security, NYU will enforce the same guest sign-in policy used at residence halls for the Sexton Castle. Indeed, like the residence halls, one lucky (possibly un-lucky) student will get to be the official RA of the castle and will have the final word when it comes to rowdy and drunk former Prime Ministers stumbling around the castle.
As a part of its green and sustainable mission, the Sexton Castle will include a gondola that stretches from the roof of the castle to the roof of Bobst, so that the President may have easy access between his castle and office. The gondola will be powered by alternative energy, namely Tisch students running on a treadmill (tempted by a financial aid package dangling in the air), which in turn spins a generator.
The castle itself will include a “shit ton of square footage, over 365 rooms, every painting ever by Claude Monet, a helipad, a fountain of youth, and a war room.” Apparently, the war room will feature a miniature model of Manhattan so that John Sexton may continue his plans for domination of the entire island. In the closing statement of the website, it says that the Sexton Castle apparently has “nothing to do” with NYU’s 2031 expansion and is merely a “pet project” of the President.
(Photo credit (both): Padriac Ryan)